March 9, 2006 4:12 PM |
['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive vintage game magazine collection.]
Hello, folks, and welcome to the first episode of 'Game Ads A-Go-Go' on GameSetWatch. I've dredged up all my early 90s gaming mags from the murky depths just for you, and I'll be going through them every week to show you interesting ads of the recent gaming past.
This week we'll be looking over a few ads from classic game mags that feature dumb marketing copy. And If you didn't know, "copy" is the "writing part" of the ad -- that is, the words. I'll also be throwing in some snarky commentary to go with them (everybody seems to love "snarky commentary" these days). So, on with the show...
Feed me Bullets
First off, we have an ad for the Super Nintendo game The Untouchables, which daringly proclaims "They've got a bullet with your name on it."
Sure they do -- that is, if my name is "Untouchables." This just in: Suicide rates among the Untouchables at an all-time high.
This Sounds Dangerous
Next on the block, we have an ad from NAKI for their rechargable Game Boy and GameGear batteries. Apparently they're explosive. In fact, they're "ALMOST NUCLEAR."
The statement in the slanted box to the left reads: "WARNING:NAKI battery packs cause extended play which has been known to result in mind melt!" If that weren't bad enough, the ad goes on to talk about their batteries creating a "gaming explosion," and also about how you can "nuke your Game Boy or Game Gear" with their "totally nuclear" rechargable batteries. So to sum up the capabilities of this product: their batteries scramble your brains, destroy your $100 gaming handheld, then proceed to explode in your face. But you'll find no pansy conventional explosives here -- it's a nuclear explosion, so it takes out not only you (the owner of the device), but at least the whole block as well. In other words, this is a horrible product. Where can I get one?
All-You-Can-Eat War Buffet
The Gulf War in the early 1990s caused a huge merchandising explosion unknown to any war since, well, ever. Quick to capitalize on how totally awesome wars are (especially when we overwhelmingly crush a tiny army that is outfitted only with 1960s-era military technology), game developers jumped on board and created opportunities to reenact this time-honored human tradition.
The red tagline near the bottom reads: "Super Conflict is all the war you'll ever want."
Which is, what? None?
[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 12 years.]
Categories: Column: Game Ads A-Go-Go