Category Archives: Column: Game Ads A-Go-Go

September 28, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Fighting Game Teaser Ads

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' was a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive game magazine collection.]

This column was started back in March as a noble experiment into seeing whether I could say dumb things about video game advertisements with any sort of regularity. I'm sorry to say that I have failed miserably, as my commentary was almost always thoughtful, enlightened, and filled with rare insight, while typically leading toward the factual-analytical end of the bullshit continuum. However, this time -- in my last Game Ads A-Go-Go Column -- I promise that I will not fail you.

Why no more Game Ads A-Go-Go? Because this is my 16th entry in this series and I feel that it's time to move on to something fresh. It's been tons of fun, and I've really enjoyed writing for you, so don't be surprised if you see another RedWolf column on GSW soon about something actually serious, like analyzing structural motifs in Shigeru Miyamoto's fibrous navel lint (scientists have recently found that there's a surprising amount of stuff in that weird Japanese hole). Or, perhaps, I was thinking of doing a Jason Scott fan column. But in the mean time -- if you miss me -- you can always find me over at Vintage Computing and Gaming.

For now, however, we'll be looking at fighting game teaser ads! Prepare Yourself.


Not Actually Evil, Just Bad

The moral of this ad is simple: you can't tease someone with something that no one wants. So don't be pretentious enough to try it with Double Dragon V -- quite possibly one of the worst games of all time.

I would write more, but Shredder here has got them evil googly eyes that always make me nervous, even if in a facetious space-filler-writing kind of way. Besides, the people at TradeWest could have learned a lot from the following company...

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A Little Bit Better

Now this is a game that many, many people wanted to play, even if it was the 15th minimally-changed version of a title released only three years earlier. Not since the likes of Mega Man have we seen such a case of sequel diarrhea. Coming Next Year: Super Street Fighter II Turbo Hyper Fighting Byzantine Champion Edition 2 Mini Puzzle Pals III.

Despite Capcom's "Adam, Prince of Eternia"-like attempt to act tough here, this ad still pales in comparison to our next contender...

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Kome Kloser to the Kloset

Prepare Yourself to Kave into Kravings for Kombat (or for Kellogg's Krusty Killer Kobs of Korn). Ahem...I mean, only one out of the six ads above was not kreated by Midway, the master of all Teaser ads. But they all have to do with one thing: Qombat. Mortal Qombat, that is, the greatest fighting game series of part-time.

So let's see...we've got Mortal Qombat, Mortal Qombat Trading Qards, Mortal Qombat CD, Mortal Qombat II, a Mortal Qombat II (and Super Sleet Fighter II) rip-off controller, and another Mortal Qombat II. It took me forever to scan these ads because they were literally about 8 feet long by 11 feet wide, and I had to enlist the help of an entire Gnome brigade to carry the scanner across the pages.

This just in: after some careful checking, it seems that my measurements in the last page-size estimate might have been slightly inaccurate, but nonetheless, scanning the ads was still quite a chore since I am only four inches tall. It took me about three days to finish the task, and in the middle of day two, the elves (gnomes...whatever) went on strike over low wages. After that, it was up to me and my well-trained miniature oxen team (dragging a plough-like makeshift scanning device constructed of bits of scrap aluminum) to finish the job. But thank God we did, or else this kolumn would not be possible.

So by now, you've probably guessed that I don't actually have much to say about these ads, except for the fact that three out of six of them involve an electrostatic atmospheric disturbance known as lightning. Four out of six involve a circular dragon logo that some have rumored to not actually be an ancient Chinese fertility symbol. But I definitely don't believe them, because I've had seven immaculately-conceived butt-kids since 1992 thanks to repeatedly playing this game series. And three out of six ads involve the declaration "Prepare Yourself," but I have always been confused about this, as two of the six clearly state that "Nothing, NOTHING, Can Prepare You." So to find the true meaning behind this apparent set of mixed messages, we have to combine the two into "Nothing, NOTHING, Can Prepare You Yourself," which -- I think -- was the slogan for Mortal Qombat 3. That's probably why it didn't sell as well as the first two.

So until we meet again, live long and prosper, my friends. Thanks for reading, and have a great day.

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[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. Have you ever chewed so much bubble gum that it makes your whole jaw and neck hurt? Well, he just did.]

August 31, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Games You've Never Heard Of

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive game magazine collection.]

While thumbing through old video game magazines, it's inevitable to find ads for some games that you've never even heard of. But I have done one better: I have found ads for games that nobody has ever heard of. That's right; no human being living on Earth knows that these games exist (Don't even bother to challenge me, because I don't count undead zombies as "human beings living on Earth"). In fact, these games are so obscure that they don't even "exist" in a traditional sense -- they occupy a slippery, hazy nether region of space: half here, half there, phasing in and out of our reality and into worlds unknown. Which brings us to the all-important question: if a game falls in a forest, and nobody is there to play it, does it make a sound?


Absolutely Not Derivative in Any Way

Ok, so you're creating a new video game, but the "creating" part is just too hard. What should you do? Not to fear; you can pull a time-tested maneuver that game developers continue to use today: simply combine disparate elements of established pop culture and forcefully cram them into the most popular game genre of the time. Before you now lies only one result of that very popular practice: Socket. One part Plucky Duck from Tiny Toons, and one part Sonic the Hedgehog, Socket is a bad dude with a tude just itchin' to be rude. Did I mention that he's blue and can run really fast?

As far as ridiculous obscure games go, this one takes the cake, freezes it with liquid nitrogen, and smashes it with a sledgehammer. Then eats it.


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Slip Slip Slippin' Through Tiieeeiiime

I have absolutely no idea what this game is about; I've never played it. But if I were to guess from the ad's imagery, it's probably about an insectoid alien robot with a gun who forces you to travel through time, blowing enemies away, to work off your intergalactic bar tab. Sounds kinda like Contra, but shitty.


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Vasteely Dan: The Impossible Game

Just about every game for the TG-16 Turbo CD platform is obscure, mostly because only around 5-6 living, breathing, non-zombie humans own a Turbo CD unit. But this game (like the others, I might add), is not even listed on MobyGames -- that wonderful oracle of gaming knowledge -- so there's no telling what really goes on inside its twisted code. The very fact that this game purports to combine "arcade action" and "intense strategy" sounds a little suspicious to me. That's like combining the words "slow" and "fast" into a new unspeakably self-contradictory word that brings the universe to a halt and makes every atom in your body vaporize simultaneously. It's almost as if this "game" was a practical joke by the Japanese on the western video game market. "Ha ha! Lazy Americans will be so mind-boggled, their heads will explode!" Well...consider my head exploded.

But if what this ad says about the game is actually true, then humanity has a long way to go before we're ready to wield such awesome, concentrated power in a single video game. It's best to seal it away in a deep, lead-lined vault and mark it "Do Not Open 'Til 3264." Maybe then we'll finally be ready as a species to play the marvel of gaming that is Vasteel.


[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. He also loves tacos.]

August 17, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Out-Of-Context Game Ad Illustration Face Quiz #2

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

Welcome back, my game ad-loving friends! I thought I'd follow up on a popular previous edition of Game Ads A-Go-Go with another exciting installment of the same thing. Just like last time, I have assembled a selection of out-of-context illustrated faces from video game magazine advertisements. On each question, you will be presented with a number of choices, only one of which is the correct answer. After you've thought hard and written down your answer (no cheating!), you can view the correct answer by clicking on each link below the question. Doing so will reveal the full ad and put the faces in context. Then see how you stack up against your so-called friends. Good luck!


Question #1

facequiz2_1.jpg

Look at the picture above. This man is...

a. Selling hotdogs at a football game
b. A cherubic baseball player with a stiffy
c. One of Santa's helper elves
d. Catching a gigantic fish without realizing it
e. Both a. and c.

Click here for the answer.


Question #2

facequiz2_2.jpg

Look at the picture above. This man is...

a. Bono from U2 getting elbowed in the face
b. A patient who just got his eyes dilated at the optometrist
c. David Copperfield's stunt double, circa 1988
d. A mysterious master of martial arts, partially obscured
e. Eating fuzzy, fuzzy wieners


Click here for the answer.


Question #3

facequiz2_3.jpg

Look at the picture above. This entity is...

a. An exciting new Disney villain
b. A flaming ping pong ball with a face
c. Estonia's national flag come alive
d. A ghost trapped in a pinball machine
e. Some fat dude in an oven

Click here for the answer.


Question #4

facequiz2_4.jpg

Look at the picture above. This man is...

a. Traveling through space and time in slow motion
b. Getting his face sucked off by the Nothing
c. Trying to remember where he put his glasses
d. A famous golfer violently swinging a club
e. A chess player on an Atari 2600 game box
f. Bleeding mustard

Click here for the answer.


Bonus Question (Extra Credit)

facequiz2_5.jpg

Look at the picture above. This man is...

a. Fighting in a karate tournament
b. Getting blasted in the face with Skittles
c. A vivid allegory of drug abuse
d. Experiencing a tingling of his spider sense
e. A happy Olympic diver

Click here for the answer.


Making the Grade

So, how well did you do? Tally up your score (one point for each correct answer), add five to that, then subtract 3.828. The resulting number you get will be completely meaningless, but you can post it on your refrigerator and feel proud.

Well, that's all for now. Until next time, this is the RedWolfster saying, "Don't forget to cry like a tiny hurt child when your momma tries to blackmail you into buying beer for her and her hairy lover."

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. He is also a professional expert consultant in turnkey solutions to corporate feasibility stratagems.]

August 3, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Bad Game Names to Blame

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

August, 1863. After suffering a crushing defeat in the sweltering noon-day sun near Virginia's Chidahoke River, Confederate General William T. Cornhusk Bootstrap Wallace Davidson and his regiment, the famous "Fighting Fifty-Three," were driven north of Richmond into prime enemy territory. After forty days of relentless marching and three days of brutal combat, the regiment was on the brink of starvation and collapse. Desperate for a break, the "Fifty-Three" camped in the deep and varied crevices of Salty Forge on the night of August 3rd, near the rose garden of Henrietta Farnsworth (widow of cotton magnate Larson Farnsworth). It was then that Gen. Davidson coined his famous saying: "A rose by any other name would still taste like trifled horse manure."

And so it is with games. No matter what their name, they always taste terrible. Just the other day I tried spreading a little Maki Maki San Toto Butler Smash!! on my toast and it left me retching. Below are some ads for games with absolutely terrible names, along with a brief description of how they would taste if you ate them.


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Stop Hitting Yourself

The Name: Revengers of Vengeance

What's a revenger, you ask? It's someone who revenges, silly. As in, "I'm going to revenge you!" and "Revengers Assemble!" According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition, a "revenger" is someone who "inflicts punishment in return for (injury or insult)." And what are the intrepid revengers in this game revenging? Why vengeance, of course, or "infliction of punishment in return for a wrong committed; retribution." So you see, revengers of vengeance seek vengeance in return for vengeance. I can think of no other conclusion than that these poor people are locked in an endless cycle of self-flagellation. That explains why it's only a one-player game where your character spends most of its time beating itself up. The self-fatality animations are especially well done.

If you play/eat this fighting game (which is "based on a true story," by the way), just be aware that "some scenes may be too intense for those who do not seek vengeance" (upon themselves). Also, I find that "Barko" and "PsyBart" are the strongest characters in the game.

This Game Would Taste Like: Wrigley's Beef-Flavored Bubble Gum


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"Here Standeth I, Lodor, Lord of All Brains."

The Name: Brain Lord

I actually own Brain Lord. The first time I ever played it, I was expecting to be amazed and astounded by the best looking giant crazy brain imagery I'd ever witnessed on a television screen. Boy, was I disappointed. Not only were there no giant crazy brains, but there were quite simply no brains at all. Man, Enix's localization team really missed the boat on this one.

I suspect that when this game was in the prototype stage, someone at Enix put the wrong label on the wrong game. As a result, there's some freaky, whacked-out Japanese shoot-em-up floating around out there featuring flying giant crazy brains called "T. Hondo's Lackluster Action-RPG."

This Game Would Taste Like: FlavorLess (TM) Brand Goatmeal


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Welcome to my Navy

The Name: Flying Nightmares

If my nightmares could fly, they'd look exactly like Harrier jump jets equipped with AGM-65E Laser Maverick missiles, AIM-9M Sidewinders, and GBU-16 1000lb laser guided bombs. No, I'm not being facetious. I'm not even being facetious about not being facetious. My nightmares could quite literally blow your ass out of the sky. That's why I never sleep.

RedWolf's Full Nightmare Armament:

MK-82 series 500lbs bombs
MK-83 series 1000lbs bombs
GBU-12 500lbs laser guided bombs
GBU-16 1000lbs laser guided bombs
AGM-65F IR Maverick missiles
AGM-65E Laser Maverick missiles
CBU-99 cluster munitions
AIM-9M Sidewinders
Lightening II targeting POD to deliver GBU-12 and GBU-16 bombs with pinpoint accuracy.

This Game Would Taste Like: Country-Fried Ass

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[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years.]

July 20, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: A Serious, Frank Discussion on Overcomplicated Ads

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

After writing too many funny and highly entertaining columns in succession and attracting many admirers (*ahem*), I thought I would try as hard as I could to make this column not funny at all. Therefore, I will be discussing the following overcomplicated and poorly-designed ads as seriously and humorlessly as possible.


Baseball So Real, It's Really Complicated

tecmo_baseball_large.jpg

Some people would find this supremely overcomplicated, screenshot-filled sports game ad hilarious. But let me tell you something, mister: sports game ads are no laughing matter. Two-hundred innocent children died in the making of this very game. So the next time you snicker at an ad like this, remember that you're doing it at the expense of a dead child who has been robbed of life before his time by the evil slave-drivers at Tecmo.


BAM! BOOM!

superloopz_large.jpg

I know what you're thinking: "Man, I really wish I could eat some tasty Froot Loops right now." But how on Earth can you think of food at a time like this? Can't you see that innocent children all over the world are starving to death because they don't even have one scrap of dirt to eat? Can't you get off your butt for one minute and at least send a couple boxes of Super Blasto-Frosties over to China?

What? I heard that, you heartless bastard.


The Ultimate Scoring Machine

tt_sport_large.jpg

Why are you wasting your time looking at useless old ads right now anyway? You should be out in the real world saving innocent children from constant exploitation.

Can't you get your priorities straight? There you are, stocking your cushy, plush-walled game room with thousands of dollars worth of "video games" every year, when children all around the world can't even earn one dollar from making air-filled tennis shoes to buy a single marble to play with. There's only one thing to do about this: you should sell your entire video game collection and buy some marbles for the kids. In fact, sell everything you have and donate the money to somebody else, because you're too selfish. Oh, I hear your whining -- "But I need food, shelter, clothing, a car, a house...a private jumbo jet!" Well Blah Blah Blah! You don't really need those things.

The starving children of the world do.


Get Your Kicks on the Go!

Oh, and one more thing -- I'm not done with you yet. See the ad above? Well, the heartless, brutal, innocent-child killer featured in this ad should definitely not be admired or glorified in an ad for an obvious murder simulator / soccer game. Depressed that his football career was all washed up, Kimmler Dietrich ran down a line of twenty dirt-eating children last year in Baden Baden. Oh, the brutality. The cruelty. The heartlessness. I also heard that he's a godless, devil-worshipping homo-erotic lesbian bisexual abortionist sinner that doesn't even go to church to repent for his blatent blasphemy. Knowing his history, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Will somebody please help me kill him?

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[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. Please direct all hate-mail to yourself.]

July 6, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Deeply Disturbing Game-Related Ads

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

Welcome back, ad-fans, to Game Ads A-Go-Go! This week I have collected for you three ads that I personally find disturbing for various different reasons. That doesn't mean that you'll find them disturbing, but hopefully you can at least laugh at the nervous paranoia and general mental instability that is manifested in my reaction to certain game magazine ads. In each case, I've presented the ad itself, why it disturbs me, and some psychoanalytical and physiological musings over why it is disturbing. So pull out your therapists' couch and kick back for a strange and wonderful journey deep within the human psyche.


Case #1

momboy_large.jpg

Product Featured in Ad: Handy Boy, Handy Gear

What Disturbs Me About the Ad: The implication that this kid/man is not properly returning the affections of his girlfriend/mother, choosing instead to focus them on a hyper-accesorized handheld video game system.

Underlying Psychological Cause for Disturbance: Inbreeding is not only taboo in nearly every civilization on Earth, but it is also bad for the genetic diversity of a species. Also, immature males over the age of twenty are commonly frowned upon in today's productivity-driven, creativity-deprived adult American work culture.

Comments: "Sometimes life can be complicated..." No shit. Especially when you're an overgrown man-child who's cheating on your mom with a Game Boy.

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Case #2

cyberpad_large.jpg

Product Featured in Ad: CYBERPad

What Disturbs Me About the Ad: Passively positioned skeletal human forearm jutting forth from TV screen, ready to spring to life at any moment and strangle you. Glowing sparks from broken CRT could set fire to nearby polyester-blend stuffed Mario collection.

Underlying Psychological Cause for Disturbance: Skeletons typically symbolize death because they are usually covered in certain biological materials conducive to the state of being alive. If found uncovered, death has likely occurred in the organism. Death itself is disturbing because it implies an end to existence. And death emerging from a common household TV set is just not supposed to @$%*ing happen.

Comments: The tagline for this controller should be "Makes your worst nightmares come true." Scary ads like this are why religion was invented (*ahem*, I mean, bestowed upon humanity by God).

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Case #3

gotpanic_large.jpg

Product Featured in Ad: Panic (Sega CD)

What Disturbs Me About the Ad: I really don't care for the font used in the tagline.

Underlying Psychological Cause for Disturbance: Fonts can be extremely disturbing if used improperly. This phenomenon has been demonstrated numerous times by several prominent Dutch experimental psychologists (Devenpeck, 1997). Fanciful lettering observed by the eye is transmuted and processed by the scripticile command center of the brain, also known as the fontainebleau nodule. (Onderdonk, 1967). This all-important nervous center overloads and shuts down when bombarded with too much lateral fontitude, causing serious mental disturbance (also see Greki, 1989, and Vanderveergul, 1995).

Comments: If you're going to parody the "Got Milk" ad campaign, then at least get it right and use the proper post-modern Gravadia Sans-Serif Semi-Bold 104 instead of the cheap Spanish font sweatshop wood-carved imitation, Grasazda Extra Smooth 72!

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[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years.]

June 22, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: It's a Jungle Out There

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

After my last column's flirt with actially being funny, I though I'd set back all the progress I've made and go back to presenting ads in a more traditional fashion (i.e. accompanying them with completely nonsensical commentary). I'll likely be doing this until I can cook up another presentation gimmick. Anyhow, this week it's all about animals: what they eat, what they wear, how they live. And it turns out they live inside video game ads. Let's check 'em out.


Never Give Your Penis to an Alligator

alligatorstick_large.jpg

Let's face it: joysticks and alligators don't mix. That's why I keep my alligators and joysticks in separate piles (in quantities of fifteen to twenty) at least five meters apart. If somehow these two base alchemical ingredients combine, out pops a magical wrestle-happy native islander boy with greased hair. And trust me, if you collect more than a few of those, it's a big pain in the ass because you need to keep them in yet another pile (quanitiy ten to fifteen) at least twenty meters away from the first two piles -- lest you find yourself with another reaction that results in plastic half-eaten watermelons named Dave.


Gorillas in the Box

gorillastick_large.jpg

Let's face it: gorillas eat people. That's why scientists at ASCIIWARE have developed a new tiny gorilla that is simply too small to devour humans. Animal behaviorists (likely bitter about their low wages) have specially trained these apes to lean on random objects and make loud mechanical tractor noises with their lips while you're trying to play Donkey Kong. They're a real marvel of modern science. The only question is: how do they fit such tiny gorillas in such a huge box?


They Called them "Chimplights"

chimplight_large.jpg

Let's face it: before the invention of the Light Boy, we all had to keep these things around. And by "things," you know exactly what I mean -- I'm talkin' chimps. Chimps are horrible cooks and they get highly aggressive and ornery past the age of three. But before 1991, they were absolutely necessary for Game Boy illumination. So imagine my surprise when one day, while strolling on the grounds of my ranch (and coincidentally wandering past a large pile of used chimps), I received a Priority Alpha telegram from Vic himself (that's "Mr. Tokai" to you) telling me that he had developed cutting-edge chimp replacement technology. Having such faith in Vic and all his endeavors (as I always do), I immediately let Bulumbo go. I've been chimp-free ever since, and I feel like a new man. Thanks, Vic. You're a pal.

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years.]

June 8, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Out-Of-Context Game Ad Illustration Face Quiz

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

Welcome back, friends. In all my...two months of game ad punditry research, I've discovered that blatantly taking things out of context is a time-honored comedy tactic that rarely fails. So, in the interest of entertainment, I have assembled some of the best out-of-context illustrated game ad faces in the universe and turned them into a little quiz. On each question, you will be presented with a number of choices, only one of which is the correct answer. After you've thought hard and written down your answer (no cheating!), you can view the correct answer by clicking on each link below the question. Doing so will reveal the full ad and put the faces in context. Then see how you stack up against your friends. Good luck!


Question #1

facequiz1.jpg

Look at the picture above. Is this man:

a. Fighting a demonic gladiator summoned from Hell
b. Begging for mercy from his abusive mother
c. About to be dissected in an alien prison
d. Stuck behind the answer board on Jeopardy
e. A really bad volleyball player

Click here for the answer.


Question #2

facequiz2.jpg

Look at the picture above. Is this man:

a. Being tackled by a policeman at an outdoor rock concert
b. Having a colonoscopy
c. Badly piloting a jet pack
d. Sticking his head out of a train window
e. Both b. and d.

Click here for the answer.


Question #3

facequiz3.jpg

Look at the picture above. Is this man:

a. Narrowly dodging plasma blasts
b. Taking part in a live action Pac-Man reenactment
c. Playing tennis
d. Eating a really fast hamburger
e. Really a woman

Click here for the answer.


Question #4

facequiz4.jpg

Look at the picture above. Is this man:

a. All of the below
b. A midget
c. A bodybuilder
d. A pissed-off vigilante with a thirst for alien blood
e. Secretly measuring his penis

Click here for the answer.


Bonus Question (Extra Credit)

facequiz5.jpg

Look at the picture above. Is this man (to the left):

a. A king among men, ready to lead a brave band of adventurers to victory
b. A sport spectator with a gay-looking hat
c. Richard Garriott making a cameo in a tennis game ad
d. All of the above

Click here for the answer (look carefully).


Making the Grade

So, how well did you do? Tally up your score (one point for each correct answer), add seven to that, then divide it by two. The resulting number you get will be completely meaningless, but you can post it on your refrigerator and feel proud. Heck, I'm proud of ya -- but I'm your mom, so I guess it doesn't count.

Well, that's all for now. Until next time, this is the RedWolfster saying, "Eat your prayers, say your vegetables, and don't forget to punch your uncle in the kneecap."

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. He is also a very silly person.]

May 25, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Visual Hyperbole

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

Welcome back to another extremely whimsically over-analytical edition of Game Ads A-Go-Go! I'm actually finally almost done moving, so I have more time this week to write total pap. In this episode, we'll be focusing on what I like to call "visual hyperbole." Hyperbole (pronounced hi-per-bo-lee), for those who don't know, essentially means "extreme exaggeration." There are many examples of visual hyperbole in video game ads of yore since the advertisers typically want to get their point across in the most dramatic way possible. Let's take a look at a few.

All Hail The Great Shodown

shodown_large.jpg

Somewhere in the South Pacific there lives a race of tiny people in baseball caps that worships a god known as Shodown. The mighty Shodown, in an impressive display for his peoples, regularly manifests himself as a colorful upright wooden cabinet in a local cave. Every week the people of the village gather around Shodown to beg for mercy and forgiveness:

"Oh Great Shodown, we have worshiped you plenty. We have given you trinkets of rock and bone. Why, oh why have you not watered our crops this season?"

Normally, Shodown only responds to their pleas with swirling lights and sound. But one week, Shodown finally replied:

"Trinkets of rock and bone are not enough to satisfy the great Shodown. I require a much greater sacrifice: that of a large metal disc with a picture of a man's head impressed upon it!"

Puzzled by their god's request, the people went to their village's greatest minds: blacksmiths with years of experience in crafting odd metallic things. It took all of the village's blacksmiths working together for seven days and seven nights to craft the perfect metal disc for Shodown. Soon after, the people took the disc to Shodown and deposited it into a slot in the front of Shodown's cabinet. Another week passed, and the people returned, saying:

"Shodown, we have worshiped you plenty. We have given you the sacrifice you requested. Why, oh why have you not watered our crops this season?"

The great booming voice of Shodown replied:

"Last year, one disc was plentiful for Shodown. This year you must deposit four discs before I water your crops."

---

Folk tales aside, there is something else you should know about this ad. Look in the print at the bottom and you'll find this:

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The Best Rack in Town

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"Finally, there's a video pool game that actually 'feels' like real billiards."

I'm completely confused. First, this ad tells us to "chalk up" (Dude), then it tells us not to ("Do not try this at home" in the fine print), then they throw in a couple crude references to breasts, and then they finally reveal that all this hullabaloo is actually about a video pool game, and that we're not actually supposed to use our fingers as pool cues. Talk about mixed messages. Am I supposed to play with my fingers? Not play with my fingers? Chalk my fingers? Chalk the cartridge? Grope the billiard balls?

I think we're just better off skipping this game and playing a different one.

Be Careful What You Wish For

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The other night I was in a similar situation as the young fellow pictured in this ad. I was sitting in my living room playing a crappy baseball game on my Intellivision, when I off-handedly remarked to my friend that someone should make a more realistic baseball game. Just then, a baseball hurled through my living room window, completely shattering the glass and hitting me in the head. My friend walked away with a few small glass shards in the arm, but I was knocked unconscious for a couple hours. When I awoke, a stunning revelation hit me: someone already has made a more realistic baseball game. It's called Baseball and people play it all the time. Then I jumped up, grabbed my shotgun, did a dramatic roll on the floor, popped up in front of the window and blasted the kid outside who threw the baseball at me.

Shortly afterward, in the police car, I realized that I had a problem with distinguishing video games from reality.

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years.]

May 11, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Bad Game Ad Puns

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

Who knew that moving gigantic boxes of hundreds of heavy game magazines would be so hard? I guess I did...or I should, since I moved them out of storage recently for use in this column. But now I have to move them all again, along with bajillions of (metric) buttloads of other heavy stuff into my new Snarky Commentator Headquarters (SCH), which is located on the opposite side of town. Despite the immense and neverending Great Move, I took a short break today to bring you a few new ads for your consumption. This week's column deals with bad written puns in game advertising. Let's take a look.

Take a Byte Out of Crime

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In this The Lawnmower Man ad, Time Warner Interactive crams not one, but five bad puns into one page, all dealing with the word "byte." Get out your Magic GoGo-Pens at home and see if you can spot all five. 1000 GoGo-Points to the person who finds them all first!

Actual Scream Shot

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Wow. The resolution of that image is pretty good considering it's an actual 3DO game screen shot. Oh wait...it says "SCREAM SHOT." *slaps forehead* Silly me. Turns out it's just another boring picture of a velociraptor screaming.

Rune Your Day

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Like any hardworking man, I need variety in the ways I ruin my day. That's why FCI has released "the ultimate game," Ultima: Runes of Virtue II, for both the Super Nintendo and Game Boy systems. Now I can ruin my day twice: once at home, and once on the go by playing this horrible game. Incredible technology, really.

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. He is also a big fan of bacon.]

April 27, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: A Brief Guide to Gaming Diseases

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

In a previous Game Ads A-Go-Go, I gave you proof that video game companies want you to die. This week we'll go a little bit more in depth with the same theme, examining one of the more subtle ways that the video game industry intends to do you harm. It's a fact: some video games spread infectious disease. Luckily, some brazen advertisers were kind enough to put warnings in their ads for us to interpret (snarkily). So get out your latex gloves, 'cause it's time to examine some particularly nasty games.

The Disease Guide

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Disease: Repetitive Gameplay Syndrome
Spread by: Mega Man X3 (SNES)

Symptoms: Gives the infected individual the impression that he/she is playing the exact same game over and over again, no matter how many different games he/she buys.

Other Symptoms: Feelings of guilt and shame that the afflicted just bought his/her 20th copy of a game originally released in 1987.

Treatment: ONE (1) COPY OF "KATAMARI DAMACY" PLAYED TWICE DAILY FOR THIRTY (30) DAYS.

Prevention Tips: Nothing short of the absolute destruction of Capcom will stop the spread of this disease.


----

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Disease: Road Rash
Spread by: Road Rash 3 (Genesis)

Symptoms: When operating motor vehicles on public causeways, afflicted becomes aggressive and attacks motorcycle riders with loose, hand-wielded chains.

Other Symptoms (see included literature): Acute burning sensation in the nipples, general scrape-like rash on 60% of the body.

Treatment: COMPLETE CESSATION of "ROAD RASH 3" PLAY FOR TWENTY (20) DAYS. THEREAFTER, PERMANENT AVOIDANCE OF MOTORCYCLES, CHAINS.

Prevention Tips: Wear leather chaps when riding.


----

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Disease: Lacklusterpuzzleclonitis
Spread by: Zoop (Multi-platform)

Symptoms: Every two years, the afflicted produces another single-screen unit-manipulating puzzle game similar to Tetris.

Other Symptoms (see included literature): Loss of friends, loss of appetite, insomnia, excessive battery consumption, dreams about puzzle games, hairstyles that resemble pieces from puzzle games.

Treatment: EMERGENCY GREEDECTOMY RECOMMENDED. OTHERWISE, ONE (1) TESTOSTERONE INJECTION MONTHLY FOR TWO (2) YEARS, THEN DAILY FOUR (4) HOUR SESSIONS OF LIVE-ACTION "MORTAL KOMBAT II" ROLEPLAY THEREAFTER.

Prevention Tips: Regular psychotherapy towards the goal of the realization that you're not a game designer. Avoid bodily fluid exchange with Alexey Pazhitnov.


----

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Disease: Gonorrhea
Spread by: Burn:Cycle (3DO)

Symptoms: Burning sensation when urinating, strange discharge from the penis. Rarely, painful or swollen testicles (Typical patient reaction illustrated in picture above).

Other Symptoms (see included literature): Spontaneous head explosion.

Treatment: 300MG AMOXICILLIN TABLETS TAKEN TWICE (2) DAILY FOR TWENTY-ONE (21) DAYS.

Prevention Tips: Avoid playing video games with your penis.

Bonus Disease

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Disease: Conjunctivitis (Pinkeye)
Spread by: Blockbuster Video Rental Chain

Symptoms: Redness, irritation, watering of the eyes.

Treatment: FOUR (4) DROPS ERYTHROMYCIN IN EACH EYE DAILY FOR SEVEN (7) DAYS.

Prevention: Avoid rubbing infected Blockbuster merchandise directly onto eyeballs.

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. He is also a big fan of bacon.]

April 13, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: The Dirty Mind of a Gamer

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

Your favorite wannabe snarky ad commentator is back, except this time without the snarky comments. "What?!" you say, "RedWolf, have you gone completely insane?" The short answer to that question is, "yes," but I'll explain.

Everybody knows that going way out of your way to turn an ordinary situation into some form of sexual innuendo is absolutely hilarious. There are people out there in the world whose sole method of communication is through sexual innuendo. We've done it to ourselves culturally by refusing to address sex directly, so all of a sudden anything could be a code word for a sexual act. This week I'll be taking a look at ads that are oozing with sexual potential. All that's left is to fill in your own commentary using your own dirty mind. Nothing I could write could be more entertaining than that. So let's quit jerking around and do it already.

Just Beat It

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This is only one half of a two-page "World Blockbuster Game Championships" ad. But it's enough.

Jingle Ballz

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This one has some intentional non-sexual innuendo, and yet it works so well for our topic.

He's on a Joy Ride Too

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I'm not even touching this one.

If You Like it Hard and Fast

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Ouch.

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years.]

March 30, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Proof that Video Game Companies Want You to Die

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]

At some point in the early nineties it became wildly fashionable for video game publishers to threaten your bodily health. Everything was "In Your Face!" and "Attitude!" and "Play it Loud!" which is exactly why I played it quietly. Unlike my other gaming brethren, I didn't want to die. And that, my friends, is why I am still here to bring you these next three examples of shameless attempts on gamers' lives.

"Kills Gamers Dead"

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What at first seems to be a wonderful, helpful product from Konami turns out instead to be a deadly poison. As we saw last week, Konami clearly wants you to die. So they have no shame in putting out liquid video games with "toxic levels of excitement." That means, in plain terms, that they are trying to poison you to death. Their games also make you urinate uncontrollably ("32 Bladder Loosening oz."), but not because they're laced with diuretics. No -- it's just because you die.

This is Exactly Why I Don't Play Hockey

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The ad doesn't spell it out explicitly, per se, but the game is actually about emergency dental surgery. Brett Hull, D.D.S. is a master in the field, and he wants to show you a few pointers on the trade (note the novocaine reference in the fine print). But he has a dark secret that you must discover over the course of your adventure: It turns out that the mad doctor gets his patients through rigged hockey games in which extremely pale Polish mobsters are dressed up as inconspicuous hockey players and paid to knock out your teeth.

Ok, you got me; I made most of that up. But I didn't make up the part about the Accolade-sponsored hockey player thugs that come to your house and knock out your teeth (while killing you) if you play this game. Apparently it's a great game, though -- you might just want to risk it. At the bottom, the ad proudly proclaims, "Any more realistic and you wouldn't want to play it." Presumably because, if it were any more realistic, you'd actually be playing hockey and there'd be no point. So right there, in ink, is concrete proof that the pinnacle of digital hockey simulation was achieved in 1995 with the game Brett Hull Hockey 95. Ever since, hockey game publishers have been working towards their inevitable extinction.

Push Your Friend Over The Edge (Really)

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So far we've seen that most video game companies don't pussyfoot around when it comes to murder; they just want to come out and kill you directly. But STD (the inventor of sexually transmitted diseases) and InterAct take a more subtle approach -- they want you to do the dirty deed yourself. Using the innocent-looking "Handy Boy" device shown in the lower right portion of the ad, they slowly and continuously brainwash you over a period of three to four weeks. You don't think anything is wrong at first and keep playing Tetris until 4 AM every morning. But one day, an arbitrary InterAct employee nonchalantly flips a tiny black switch in their corporate headquarters. You black out, and the next thing you know you're at a dangerous construction site pushing your best friend to his death in a wheelbarrow like a murderous zombie. Meanwhile, your other friend, who is not yet done with his murder training, just starts freestylin' off to the side -- rapping about your nasty grandma and how he rode the bus that day -- somehow adding a stomach-twisting Reservoir Dogs-style senselessness to the brutal-yet-carefree peer-on-peer violence.

I'm not sure how many of these Rube Goldberg murders InterAct pulled off, but in a twisted way I have to admire the sadistic ingenuity of their plan. Why they would advertise it and ruin the complex scheme, I don't know. Somehow, evil geniuses cannot resist bragging about the brilliance of their work, and as we well know, it always brings their downfall in the end.

...Except in the U.S., of course, when that end meets teenagers, who, (apparently) according to thorough focus group studies in the mid-1990s, thought life-threatening game companies were cool. It seems they were just giving gamers exactly what they wanted all along.

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[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. Check out the new VC&G Forum!]

March 23, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Guys Freakin' Out

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive vintage game magazine collection.]

Welcome back! This week I present to you the official GameSetWatch guide to guys freakin' out. The commentary this time should be thinner than usual, as I'm currently studying hard for my Official Snarky Commentator Certification (OSCC) exam (officiated by Seanbaby of EGM). That, and I just got a new cat that insists on eating my magazines. But have no fear; the guys freakin' out should mostly speak (or scream) for themselves. And at least you have the pretty pictures to look at.

Konami Hates You

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This particular guy is obviously just now returning to Earth after a long stint of freakin' out in deep space, but he ran into trouble on the way down. I would be freakin' out too if I were shot down viciously by Konami and in the process of burning up on re-entry to the Konami Homeworld (natch). As if I really wanted to invade their dumb giant video-planet anyway. Flames and smoke aside, the human-sized Konami game boxes alone are enough to drive a man insane with a stray glance (especially the "A...JAX!" logo).

The primary message of this ad is clear: "Don't #%@& with Konami, or we'll kill you."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHhh!

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This deal is just absolutely insane. There's nothing more to say -- I'm speechless.

Our Free Cleaning Kit WILL MAKE YOU FREAK OUT

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This ad is actually a two-page ad, but the other page is nearly useless, aside from the fact that it conveniently explains the terrible illustrated visual pun on the left side of the page. The heading reads "Summer Screamers." I agree wholeheartedly; SNES Street Fighter II Turbo for $79.99 is definitely cause for some serious freakin' out. Ha! And they say PlayStation 3 games will be expensive. Try time-travelling back to 1995 and buying SFII Turbo, you pansies! Adjusted for today's inflation rates, that price comes out to actually being somewhere around $1307.50.

Bonus Guys Freakin' Out

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It's so easy to make fun of people and status-quo-breaking behavior when you have the benefit of time, distance, and the absolute destruction of context -- so it's not really fair. Therefore, I will just let you look at these pictures and think about exactly what humanity means to you.

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 12 years. Check out the new VC&G Forum!]

March 16, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Strange and Devious Peripherals

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive vintage game magazine collection.]

Welcome back to the sophomore edition of "Game Ads A-Go-Go." This week we'll be looking at ads for strange video game peripherals and accesories, and I'll be telling you nearly nothing about them of technical or factual value, but instead will ramble on about how strange and poorly conceived they are. If you're just here to leech the ad scans (now watermark free, by the way), you might want to get it over with now and save yourself from my attempts at humor. Otherwise, on with the show!

Is That a Handy Gear in Your Pocket?

gsw_handygear_small.jpg

From the foremost expert on STDs comes the Handy Gear, the all-encompassing Game Gear prophylactic of the future. Why Limit Yourself? With the Handy Gear safely encasing your unit, you can freely play casual games with total strangers, tossing aside all worries about possible (cartridge) insertion problems or undesirable fluids (such as water, Coke) getting all over your Game Gear and possibly jeopardizing your ability to play games again in the future.

Why, the Handy Gear is even shock-resistant, so you can now throw your Game Gear firmly against the wall any time you want -- with no ill effects to the unit.


Now You Can Play One Game at a Time!

gsw_videojukebox_small.jpg

One of the supposedly funniest ways to generate snarky comments on something is by taking the material you're satirizing literally. For example, here we have a man with six Sega Genesis-shaped cartridges impaled into his vertically extended cranium. You would be correct in thinking that this would be a painful experience for any man -- even one with an abnormally large forehead. And as we can see, this man is no exception to the laws of pain, considering the severely aggravated expression on his face.

As we dig further into the imagery, we have to take a less literal approach to our interpretation to have fun with the ad. The cartridges in the man's head are not games...as we know them, anyway. They are labeled with various retail store chain names. What sort of commercial deviousness are these stores up to? Are they reprogramming his mind to say "BUY BUY BUY," turning him into the ultimate mega-consumer zombie? And which chain of the ones listed gets control of the man at any given time? Perhaps the man's brain is available on a rotating, bi-weekly basis, with all members of the Commercial Retail Syndicate (CRS) getting their fair chance to influence the man's purchasing habits. And as an extension of this hypothesis, I would surmise that the LEDs in his forehead, when lit, indicate which company has control of the man at the moment (when this picture was taken, Best Buy had the helm). The companies have also messed with his eyes, somehow modifying them to emit a piercing red glow.

I have the feeling that ASG (or should I call you...CRS!?) didn't sell too many of these poorly-designed brain installations.

Edwin Sedgefield's Use of Barcodes as a Metaphor for Social Transcendence in The Clocker Tippets

UPC barcodes, as we all know, are an ingenious method of keeping tabs on the movement of humans (and will be tattooed on your neck at the time of the Apocalypse) developed by Satan/the Government/the U.S. grocery industry in the 1970s. It took a staggering 20+ years for this evil technology to be adapted to keeping track of video game playing habits as well, and you can see the results of this development before you now.

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But I digress. The origin of this device probably actually went something like this:

Marketing Executive #1: How can we convince people to buy more products? People are just not buying enough products. We need more sales!

Marketing Executive #2: I don't know...I think.. Wait! I've got it! We could take a piece of otherwise worthless-to-the-consumer printing that is located on every product label, and turn it into something of value that people actually want to buy -- just because it's there! And moreover, we will also make them buy the device that gives this piece of printing its value! No longer will people buy products for their material content or inherent utility -- they will buy them because we printed a couple parallel lines on the label!

Marketing Executive #3: I can't possibly think of a way that this could not succeed.

And so the Barcode Battler was born, the fruit of industry collusion. Back in the day when this device was still only available in Japan, there was a story floating around about a particular can of soup always being sold out because its barcode gave your in-game character really awesome powers. It makes me wonder if Campbell's Soup execs ever said, "Well, Chunky Bergola Soup sales are slumping this month. Better call the Barcode Battler people...again."

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 12 years.]

March 9, 2006

Game Ads A-Go-Go: Dumb Ads of the '90s

vcg_logo_gsw.jpg['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive vintage game magazine collection.]

Hello, folks, and welcome to the first episode of 'Game Ads A-Go-Go' on GameSetWatch. I've dredged up all my early 90s gaming mags from the murky depths just for you, and I'll be going through them every week to show you interesting ads of the recent gaming past.

This week we'll be looking over a few ads from classic game mags that feature dumb marketing copy. And If you didn't know, "copy" is the "writing part" of the ad -- that is, the words. I'll also be throwing in some snarky commentary to go with them (everybody seems to love "snarky commentary" these days). So, on with the show...

Feed me Bullets

First off, we have an ad for the Super Nintendo game The Untouchables, which daringly proclaims "They've got a bullet with your name on it."

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Sure they do -- that is, if my name is "Untouchables." This just in: Suicide rates among the Untouchables at an all-time high.

This Sounds Dangerous

Next on the block, we have an ad from NAKI for their rechargable Game Boy and GameGear batteries. Apparently they're explosive. In fact, they're "ALMOST NUCLEAR."

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The statement in the slanted box to the left reads: "WARNING:NAKI battery packs cause extended play which has been known to result in mind melt!" If that weren't bad enough, the ad goes on to talk about their batteries creating a "gaming explosion," and also about how you can "nuke your Game Boy or Game Gear" with their "totally nuclear" rechargable batteries. So to sum up the capabilities of this product: their batteries scramble your brains, destroy your $100 gaming handheld, then proceed to explode in your face. But you'll find no pansy conventional explosives here -- it's a nuclear explosion, so it takes out not only you (the owner of the device), but at least the whole block as well. In other words, this is a horrible product. Where can I get one?

All-You-Can-Eat War Buffet

The Gulf War in the early 1990s caused a huge merchandising explosion unknown to any war since, well, ever. Quick to capitalize on how totally awesome wars are (especially when we overwhelmingly crush a tiny army that is outfitted only with 1960s-era military technology), game developers jumped on board and created opportunities to reenact this time-honored human tradition.

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The red tagline near the bottom reads: "Super Conflict is all the war you'll ever want."

Which is, what? None?

[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 12 years.]



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