Metal Steve[GameSetWatch is pleased to welcome Metal Steve (AKA Steve Dewitt) to its team of columnists to start out April. Those who are familiar with Steve’s body of work know he brings a unique perspective to games journalism that is truly beyond comparison. We limited our editing of Steve’s work to a minimum (we only fixed spelling errors) in order to retain the one-of-a-kind style that comes across in his writing. For his GameSetWatch debut, Metal Steve takes a look at the recently-released Nintendo 3DS.]

An Introduction From a Man That Needs No Introduction

Hello my faithful readers and welcome to my first column for GameSetWatch! You might be saying, “Whoa, Steve, I thought you retired from writing about games to focus on your band! What gives?” Well, as the old saying goes: Money talks and Metal Steve walks! Haha! That’s right, Metal Steve gave in to the all-mighty dollar and answered the call of the guy who runs GameSetWatch to write something about the Nintendo 3DS for you. Your eyes do not deceive you. I am truly back! Haha!

But just in case you’ve been living in a cave for the past few years and you’re saying “Metal WHO?” let me give you a short introduction. Hi there, I’m Steve Dewitt, better known as Metal Steve. I play guitar in a band called Mighty Talon that you’ve probably heard of, and maybe you’ve even attended some of our shows. Hey, maybe I even slept with your sister or girlfriend after she was wowed by my guitar skills at one of our shows! Well, unless they got pregnant and in that case it wasn’t me! Haha!

But when I’m not playing in my band or working as an assistant manager, I like to play video games. I think that’s enough about me. You’re here to read about games, so let’s get on with the show. “PRESS START TO BEGIN!”

So, you’ve probably heard of my website, Game Riffs. But just in case you haven’t heard of it maybe you should go see a psychiatrist because obviously you’re crazy and need to get your head examined! Haha! Hey, I’m just kidding! Don’t take it personally! “YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO TAKE A JOKE!”

But anyway, Game Riffs was my site where I put up my METAL REVIEWS of all kinds of games from different systems, and I would always provide some inside information that only real game enthusiasts like me know about. And by inside information I mean the type of stuff you can’t learn by reading GamePro or Nintendo Power!

But I decided to retire from writing about video games so I could focus on my job and more importantly focus on writing and recording a new Mighty Talon album. My band’s been having some trouble lately, I’ll admit, and I also broke up with my long-time girlfriend Samantha. So your buddy Metal Steve was kind of down in the dumps.

But not to worry, because the guy who owns GameSetWatch sent me an e-mail and was like, “Hey Steve, if I pay you $200 and send you a Nintendo 3DS and some games will you write about it for my site?” It was like Princess Leia talking through that robot to Luke but only it was some British guy with a gaming site talking through e-mail. “HELP ME METAL STEVE, YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE!”

So today, my rabid legion of fans, Metal Steve has decided to come out of retirement to provide you with what you’ve all been waiting for. Prepare for a METAL REVIEW of Nintendo’s new handheld system the Nintendo 3DS and I’ll even talk about some undercover information while I’m at it! You’ll learn about some history of Nintendo that you didn’t know before about the Nintendo 3DS and the guys who made it. So, are we ready to go here, my video game friends? Your leader has all systems go! “THERE’S NO GAME OVER HERE. IT’S ONLY GAME START!”

METAL REVIEW of the Nintendo 3DS

Did you know that Nintendo tried to make a 3D system before? It’s true, but you wouldn’t know it if you asked them. You might call Nintendo’s customer service and be like, “Hey, Metal Steve said you made a 3D game system before” and Nintendo would be like, “Um, let me put you on hold” then never come back to the phone. Why, you ask? Good question, my wise pupil! Haha! It’s because Nintendo’s previous 3D system was a total failure. It was called the Virtual Boy and nobody bought it. And it even caused one kid to go blind, I think! It collected dust on store shelves then Nintendo told the stores to send it back so it could be buried in the desert.

But 3D is really big right now, and when the guy who makes most of the games for Nintendo, who is named Miyamoto, went to see a movie in Japan one day, he saw one called Avatar that was a huge success and required you to wear 3D glasses. He was like, “Wow, this is really cool to see things in 3D, but glasses are terrible.” Which is true: glasses ARE terrible. When Mighty Talon was auditioning new drummers a couple years ago a dork showed up in glasses and before he could even try out we were like, “Next!” No self-respecting metal player wears glasses, except for weird hipster metal players and nobody like those losers! Haha!

So when Miyamoto got back to Nintendo he told everyone that 3D was big and Nintendo decided it was time to try again. But Miyamoto issued one challenge. He said, “Guys, wearing glasses is terrible. We need to make 3D without glasses.” Everyone thought this was impossible and there were even rumors that the guy who runs Nintendo, Reggie, was going to fire Miyamoto because nobody thought having 3D without glasses was possible. But then one day at a meeting Miyamoto pulled a box out and inside was the Nintendo 3DS. He got his assistants to invent a new technology that allows you to see 3D without glasses. “THE FUTURE IS NOW!”

When Nintendo announced the Nintendo 3DS at the big game convention, E3, nobody was prepared for it. Everyone thought they were just going to show off a new The Legend of Zelda game or something, but then Reggie came on stage and all the journalists who were at the convention knew something special was going to happen. The last time Reggie came on stage he announced the Nintendo DS and told the audience he was going to kill them and make a list of all the people he killed!

Would Reggie do it again? “PREPARE TO DIE!” No, Reggie was in a good mood and smiling and then he said, “Who likes 3D?” Everyone raised their hands. Then he said, “Who likes glasses?” A couple nerds from EGM or something raised their hands, but they got booed and Reggie laughed at them. Then Reggie said, “Glasses aren’t cool, but THIS is!” Then from his pocket he pulled out a Nintendo 3DS! Everyone gave a standing ovation and some people even started crying! I think they worked at IGN.

One important thing for anyone buying a Nintendo 3DS is to remember you can actually turn the 3D on or off. When I first got my 3DS in the mail from Simon I thought he was playing a joke on me because I couldn’t see the 3D. I don’t read instruction booklets because they’re dumb, so I didn’t know you could turn the 3D on or off. I called Simon and was like, “Hey Simon, this is Metal Steve. Very funny. I guess you want to get your ass kicked!” but Simon then figured out why I was mad and was like, “Hold on, Steve, you can turn the 3D on or off!”

Whoops! I almost beat up a British guy for nothing! It would’ve been like Independence Day all over again except our country is already free! Haha! “AND CROWN THY GOOD WITH BROTHERHOOD FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!” So Simon was off the hook and before I knew it I was playing a new Nintendo DS only it had 3D on the top screen which makes it worthy of the name Nintendo 3DS. It really works and you don’t have to look like some glasses-wearing nerd when you play it, which pretty much earns a stamp of approval from Metal Steve right there! Haha!

But What About the Games?

So now you have read my METAL REVIEW of the Nintendo 3DS but you might be asking yourself, “Yeah, but why should I spend $400 on a new game system if there aren’t any good games on it?” Well, my faithful followers, the wise and great Metal Steve is here to proclaim that there are indeed some good games on the Nintendo 3DS that make it worth spending your hard-earned money for! Or even spending your easy-earned money if you’re some type of snooty rich kid that doesn’t have to work like the rest of us. Haha!

Metal Steve’s top pick for the Nintendo 3DS is Super Street Fighter IV 3D, which is exactly like the arcade and Xbox 360 and Playstation 3 version of Super Street Fighter IV only in 3D. It was kind of a funny story how this game was made, too. When Capcom, who are the guys who make all the Street Fighter games, brought Super Street Fighter IV to the Xbox 360 and arcade and Playstation 3, Nintendo started rubbing their hands together saying, “Okay, next up is a Wii version!”

But then Capcom didn’t make a Wii version and instead made an iPhone version and Miyamoto and Reggie were really mad. I think Reggie even said he was going to kill someone at Capcom. “THE MAN IS A MONSTER!” Haha! But the killing thing is a joke, it’s like his trademark. Nintendo told Capcom they could no longer make games for Nintendo systems. But Capcom had a secret and on Miyamoto’s birthday he got a package in the mail from Capcom and when he opened it he saw Super Street Fighter IV 3D inside and a note from Capcom saying, “Happy Birthday. We wanted this to be a surprise and you can release it for the Nintendo 3DS!”

Another pretty good game is Nintendodogs + Cats. Before you get any wrong ideas, Metal Steve is all man, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like Nintendogs + Cats because it’s not just for little girls even if it looks like it is if you see its game case cover. Did you know that in Japan it’s against the law for citizens to have pets like cats and dogs because their homes are so small, so Nintendo made billions of dollars with the first Nintendogs game for the Nintendo DS because Japanese people were like, “Neat, now I can see what it’s like to have a dog!”?

Nintendogs was the most accurate pet simulator ever made. The game was so popular that people in the United States thought, “Okay, if everyone in Japan likes this game it has to be good, right?” and the game was a hit when it was out on the Nintendo DS in the United States. Nintendogs + Cats has all of the same stuff as the first game but makes it so you can tease your dog by throwing cats at it or something and then taking your cats on walks instead of the dogs. And it’s in 3D! “MY EYES CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT THEY ARE SEEING!” Believe it! Haha!

There are also a bunch of other games that Simon sent me to do METAL REVIEWS of, but none of them are worth mentioning. Well, I guess Ridge Racer 3D is pretty good, but it’s just a version of the Playstation One game because Namco didn’t have a lot of time before the Nintendo 3DS came out and they just took the Playstation One version of Ridge Racer and added 3D to it. Nintendo almost didn’t let them release it but Namco promised Nintendo they would bring Tekken to the Nintendo 3DS next year, which is a Metal Steve guarantee you won’t find in the pages of your precious game magazines!

And here is one more Metal Steve bit of information for you that you didn’t know before: Nintendo is releasing a new Super Mario Bros. game for the Nintendo 3DS! It hasn’t been officially announced yet, but your buddy Metal Steve’s secret contacts say that it might even feature the return of a certain costume first made famous in Super Mario Bros. 3 on the Nintendo Entertainment System. I can’t give it away because I don’t want Reggie to kill me, but let’s just say it’s a certain type of animal that is brown and black and has a long tail. “STEVE, MY MIND HAS BEEN BLOWN!” You’re welcome. Haha!

Well, my ravenous fans, it is time for your friend Metal Steve to bid you a fond farewell. I hope you enjoyed my first GameSetWatch column and as long as the owner of GameSetWatch Simon keeps paying me to write, I’ll probably keep on writing! Haha! I might need to take breaks when things get too busy with my band Mighty Talon or when things get crazy at work and I need to put in more hours, but otherwise I will be here reporting on video game stuff for all my faithful fans. See you all soon! Remember, as your pal Metal Steve says, “GLASSES ARE FOR NERDS, BUT 3D IS FOR EVERYONE!” Later!

[Metal Steve lives in Fresno, CA and is the founder and lead guitarist of the band Mighty Talon. He is best known for his METAL REVIEWS on his website, Game Riffs. Steve is a lifelong video game player and enjoys drinking beer, listening to metal, and wearing cowboy hats.]