The Asteroids Movie Plot That Could Have Been
In the early 80s, children's music record label Kid Stuff teamed up with Atari to release albums and tapes based on games like Asteroids, Super Breakout, Missile Command, and Yar's Revenge. The productions not only included theme songs for the games, but radio theatre performances.
So, while we've spent the past month yukking it up over whatever plot Universal Studios has planned for the Asteroids movie, it turns out someone already recorded a ridiculous plot for the arcade shooter decades ago!
Galen Hawthorne, who obtained a vinyl copy from the radio station and ripped the tracks, sent over this description taken from the back of the album's sleeve: "While on a routine mission, the Cosmic Space Patrol ship, Intrepid, is trapped in a time-warp and is rocketed into the past! It's up to Captain Jim Stanton and his computer sidekick, Chip Brain, to find their way back to safety. Blast off for adventure with Atari's Asteroids!"
Here's the first bit from the audio drama, introducing Captain Jim Stanton and his trainee on their first mission together, exchanging small talk when disaster strikes:
If you're too busy to listen to the entire seven minute drama, here's an excerpt from when the captain first encounters a cluster of asteroids and tries to clear the way with photon torpedoes:
Capt. Jim: Fire torpedo one!::pew::
Capt. Jim: Look at that! We hardly made a dent in it! Fire two!
::pew pew::
Capt. Jim: That was a dead hit! But instead of vaporizing, it's breaking up into smaller pieces!
We would be lucky if the Asteroids film has a script half as awesome as this. Also, it would be a travesty if the movie didn't open with this fantastic song from the album:
"Asteroiiiiddddds!"
Comments
The only way any entertainment value is going to come out of this Asteroids movie project is if Robot Chicken takes notice of it.
Hey, they did M.A.S.K. (twice, even) and who remembered that one?
Posted by: raindog469 | July 30, 2009 10:27 PM
Dude, I remember that Asteroids theme song from when I was a kid. Every few years I get it stuck in my head, and tonight I finally went looking for it. And here it is.
You are my hero.
"Photon torpedoes ready!"
Posted by: Botch the Crab | January 8, 2010 11:55 PM