['Bell, Game, and Candle' is a regular GameSetWatch-exclusive column by writer Alex Litel, discussing stuff that happens - or doesn't happen - in the game business. This time, he writes about the first game is looking forward to since Imagine: Party Babyz.]

INT. UNIVERSAL STUDIOS BACKLOT - DAY

A handful of creatives are presenting their pitches for one of the first productions of the newly independent DreamWorks' first productions—a film adaptation of the video game Noby Noby Boy.

Brett Ratner
I am more than infinitely qualified for this film: I am currently working on an adaptation of the hypersexual interactive Greek epic God of War, and I have a compendious knowledge of the American condition. My vision would not stray much from the thematic overtures established by the monumental American cinematic zenith Rush Hour 2, but it would also be intertwined with the familial histrionics of The Family Man, Money Talks’ cunning economic satire, and the perfected, thrilling exploration of an altered psyche from Red Dragon.

Michael Bay
My love for Noby Noby Boy roots in that it shies far away from the evergreen trend of increasingly convoluted reasons for killing people in occasionally exotic locales that a healthy portion of video games are boggled down by. There is a genuine opportunity here to accurately portray the parochial chaos that comes from a biological anomaly and really make a cogent study of the communal, intrapersonal and environmental effects that arise from such. Most of all, there is a sincere probability of ambition unobstructed by formula and unadulterated by malfeasance; I am adverse to profferings, but this provides a ceaselessly fascinating thematic query that I hope to tackle.

Michel Gondry
(please read aloud in a French accent)
The Boy stretching offers many opportunities for cinematic magic—very, very creative imaginative rewards. The growing and the eating is a manifestation of his mind; the clouds, cities, cars and galaxies offer a lot of potential to exhibit this duality. He did not have much of a good childhood, so he is playing in a fantasy to escape his constant maturity; he comes to realize the repercussions of this love and embraces them with a full heart. When he goes on the quest with the detective dinosaurs, he is very disappointed when they turn out to be double spies and send him to a secret place. But then he escapes from the secret place and conquers the bad guys. The town falls in love with their new mayor and returns to peace, happily ever after in puzzle pieces. Also, can I make a film based on the wonderful Imagine: Party Babyz?

Werner Herzog
(please read aloud in a German accent)
Boom! Pow! Noby Noby Boy! Explosions! Robots! Lasers! Looming threat of apocalypse! Tie-in action video game! Action figures! Table napkins! Children's socks! Children's shoes! Children's underwear! Halloween costumes! Limited edition cereals! Fruit snacks! Coloring books! Youth novelizations! Big people novelizations! Handballs! Party hats! Toothbrushes! Band-aids! Shampoos! Neckties! Sunglasses! Pillows shaped like people! Reusable sticker books! Luggage tags! Slippers! Magnets! Postcards! Trading cards! T-shirts! Special edition Blu-Ray with commentary from Werner Herzog! Official magazines! LEGOs! Fast food wind-up toys! Boxers! 3D theatrical release! Sour gummies! Special Edition Blu-Ray re-release Director’s Cut 2.0 Collector’s Set with wireless Smellovision technology! Chk! Chk!

Hideo Kojima
This should be a game because there is an elaborate story here that can only be told through interactivity. It comments on the triumph of expendability over necessity in a way that reminds of Phillip Kindred Dick and Stanley Kubrick in a deep, meaningful and enjoyable way that is much more than a game.

Stephen Daldry
The book immediately struck me as sincere and sensual in its prose: the rich epic of defunct suburbia gone awry. It takes no punches and absolutely challenges the precepts held by the reader in the hours before reading this masterpiece. The boy is a classical inspiration in the tradition of Billy Elliot, although magnified as he overcomes the plight of atrocity; it almost made me want to join the debate team.

Darren Aronofsky
It is a family film, and despite his physical and habitual abnormities, Boy is just a boy in Brooklyn try to get through the trials and tribulations of high school. He deals with first loves, math troubles, and maybe a part or two.

Sam Mendes
There are very quintessential elements of Americana pervasive in this work; the boy’s growth really encapsulates a classical case of avarice. But I feel a filmic recreation must be reliant on the performances of principles rather than the pretension of visual dazzle. I think Michael Cera would be illuminative as the Boy.

Michael Winterbottom
This conservative, Blairian government is suppressing this guy from artistically expressing himself and acting upon his freedoms because he is viewed as proprietor of lewdness. Except it is not lewdness and he is in fact acting upon his natural artistic instincts; he is being hilarious and it is beautiful.

Diablo Cody
This cherry-sweet romcom that deals with this Mr. Bodacious who suddenly discovers that is growing in these grosteque—not like that, this going to be PG-13—he has come to grips with being this giant thing and overcomes his rabid anti-intellectualism to woo over the heart of a geeky scientist.

Ryan Fleck
Geographically, what is the least likely locale for a creature perpetually growing from consumptive tendencies? Minnesota, of course. It is more water-out-of-fish than fish-out-of-water, because film’s settings—and their fate—depend on the central performance.

Terry Zwigoff
A kid who is a bit of an outcast and just decides to eat miscellaneous stuff so he can be this giant creature, this is material I can definitely relate to.

Todd Haynes
Each growth of the Boy is a story in itself, a story that deserves to be told in completely different fashions—one is a horror film, another is a romantic comedy, and so on. And, um, his face constantly changes, so there would be a different actor portraying him every five seconds. And it is a musical with each song in a different fashion.

Paul Thomas Anderson
Daniel Day-Lewis is obviously the boy, whose biological tendencies lead him to the path of infinite expansion by eating non-edible objects; it has a happy ending.

David Lynch
I am sorry, but I already made this film—it was called The Elephant Man and came out nearly thirty years ago. Enter into production and I will sue the pants of your kleptomaniac selves.

Alex Litel
Um, fuck, I Heart Huckabees meets A Few Good Men meets The Sixth Sense meets The Usual Suspects meets Soccer Dog: European Cup.

[Alex Litel can be reached at alexlitel@gmail.com and occasionally found at alexlitel.blogspot.com.]