['Bell, Game, and Candle' is, in normality, a regular GameSetWatch column by game commentator Alex Litel. However, for this edition, he has invited prominent hockey mom and Republican vice presidential candidate Governor Sarah Palin to share her thoughts on Will Wright's new game Spore.]

Firstly, I would like to thank the video game web site Game Set Watch for giving me the opportunity to review the new video game Spore. When not encumbered by politics, I like to enjoy leisure time by doing things like hunting, snowmobiling, fishing, praying that Bristol Bear doesn’t do anything else moronic (note to me: remove this from final draft), drinking, and other Alaskan activities.

Much like I have challenged and changed political machinery—namely, the state GOP, which is more corrupt than my old hard drive (that is a geek joke)—up in Alaska, Spore challenges and changes our suppositions of what exactly games are. Your machine does not just immerse you in the traditional game experiences of hunting or racing or bowling or fishing, but fantastical experiences of imagination grounded firmly in the reality of science.

Similar to a book—no, those accusations of censorship levied at me by the suave, salacious polar bears entrenched in the Arctic political muck are not true because I am a believer in freedom—the gaming of Spore is divided into phases (Spore lingo for “chapters”) of cell, creature, tribal, civilization, and space. Those artsy-fartsy amongst us may say that this is a thinly veiled American history lesson, but this is untrue because my Toddie, an amateur space historian, says no American has set foot on another planet—something that you bet will change in a McCain administration.

I showed Bristol Bear the cell phase because it an accurate depiction of what the angel inside her belly is presently doing—eating other creatures and dodging a plethora of dangerous objects. Unfortunately, Levi Jeans watched the cell phase and said, “this ess-aych-eye-tee is boring; this is no COD4 where I can grenade the bastards.”

In proper hockey mom style, I slapped that my future son-in-law’s brain ninety degrees counter-clockwise: primarily for his reductionist worldview and secondarily for his potty mouth. No white trash is going to ruin the establishment of the Palin brand of politicking all over our grandiose nation.

Spore’s creature phase is similar to the tantric survivalism that Alaska’s majestic, various wildlife—against whom I have never used anything similar to or exactly like aerial hunting processes to harm because I am a humane human—braving the tough conditions and fierce opponents that want your special fellow for dinner.

Next is the tribal phase of Spore, which hearkens back to the fond memories of my time in Wasilla, where I served as city council member and mayor to the chagrin of the wayward establishment. In these positions, I looked not after my own self-interest but those of the town; in this phase of Spore, you look after the interests of your tribe rather than yourself—a tribute to the bond exclusively found in small tight-knit communities.

Then we arrive at the Spore civilization phase, in which you advance to sociopolitical development of your planet by building up various cities and colonies with the ultimate result of planet-wide encroachment (gosh gee golly, why must everyone follow the American example of coloni…oh, nevermind, I should remove this parenthetical bit).

This phase is an excellent insight into the managerial zen I have brought to the position of governor of Alaska, maintaining a wonderful state without the reliance on bloated federal bureaucracy. I have laid my foot down against flushing taxpayer’s money down the toilet with waste like the Bridge to Nowhere and united the political corpus of Alaska for wellbeing of our future (the children, of course).

In fact, I have even taken on bureaucracy like when I sued the Bush administration to remove the polar bear off the Endangered Species List so that my state could exercise its territorial sovereignty by drilling, drilling, and drilling more than Toddie does in his Home Improvement: The Musical.

Lastly, here we are out in Spore’s final frontier (Star Trek, not Alaska, reference) of space where you get to beautify the universe in what is, in general, a cosmic expansion of what was found in the previous phase of civilization. Spore’s space is a strong reflection of the global beautification through diplomacy, morality, and citizenry that I will embark on if you allow me the honor to honorably serve your great selves as Vice President of the United States of America.

Spore’s Achilles heel is the community feature, which is loaded with abdominal content I am unsure of how to describe. It has no semblance to the ethical moral values of a small town such as Wasilla. The Spore community organizers have no actual responsibility—preventing me from being able to recommend this product to the wholesome familial legions that are known as Americans.

Again, thanks to the video game web site Game Set Watch. And go vote for McCain/Palin ’08, oh yeah!

[This column may have not actually been written by Sarah Palin, but by Alex Litel; he can be reached at [email protected] and occasionally found at alexlitel.blogspot.com.]