August 3, 2006 5:42 AM |
['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]
August, 1863. After suffering a crushing defeat in the sweltering noon-day sun near Virginia's Chidahoke River, Confederate General William T. Cornhusk Bootstrap Wallace Davidson and his regiment, the famous "Fighting Fifty-Three," were driven north of Richmond into prime enemy territory. After forty days of relentless marching and three days of brutal combat, the regiment was on the brink of starvation and collapse. Desperate for a break, the "Fifty-Three" camped in the deep and varied crevices of Salty Forge on the night of August 3rd, near the rose garden of Henrietta Farnsworth (widow of cotton magnate Larson Farnsworth). It was then that Gen. Davidson coined his famous saying: "A rose by any other name would still taste like trifled horse manure."
And so it is with games. No matter what their name, they always taste terrible. Just the other day I tried spreading a little Maki Maki San Toto Butler Smash!! on my toast and it left me retching. Below are some ads for games with absolutely terrible names, along with a brief description of how they would taste if you ate them.
Stop Hitting Yourself
The Name: Revengers of Vengeance
What's a revenger, you ask? It's someone who revenges, silly. As in, "I'm going to revenge you!" and "Revengers Assemble!" According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition, a "revenger" is someone who "inflicts punishment in return for (injury or insult)." And what are the intrepid revengers in this game revenging? Why vengeance, of course, or "infliction of punishment in return for a wrong committed; retribution." So you see, revengers of vengeance seek vengeance in return for vengeance. I can think of no other conclusion than that these poor people are locked in an endless cycle of self-flagellation. That explains why it's only a one-player game where your character spends most of its time beating itself up. The self-fatality animations are especially well done.
If you play/eat this fighting game (which is "based on a true story," by the way), just be aware that "some scenes may be too intense for those who do not seek vengeance" (upon themselves). Also, I find that "Barko" and "PsyBart" are the strongest characters in the game.
This Game Would Taste Like: Wrigley's Beef-Flavored Bubble Gum
"Here Standeth I, Lodor, Lord of All Brains."
The Name: Brain Lord
I actually own Brain Lord. The first time I ever played it, I was expecting to be amazed and astounded by the best looking giant crazy brain imagery I'd ever witnessed on a television screen. Boy, was I disappointed. Not only were there no giant crazy brains, but there were quite simply no brains at all. Man, Enix's localization team really missed the boat on this one.
I suspect that when this game was in the prototype stage, someone at Enix put the wrong label on the wrong game. As a result, there's some freaky, whacked-out Japanese shoot-em-up floating around out there featuring flying giant crazy brains called "T. Hondo's Lackluster Action-RPG."
This Game Would Taste Like: FlavorLess (TM) Brand Goatmeal
Welcome to my Navy
The Name: Flying Nightmares
If my nightmares could fly, they'd look exactly like Harrier jump jets equipped with AGM-65E Laser Maverick missiles, AIM-9M Sidewinders, and GBU-16 1000lb laser guided bombs. No, I'm not being facetious. I'm not even being facetious about not being facetious. My nightmares could quite literally blow your ass out of the sky. That's why I never sleep.
RedWolf's Full Nightmare Armament:
MK-82 series 500lbs bombs
MK-83 series 1000lbs bombs
GBU-12 500lbs laser guided bombs
GBU-16 1000lbs laser guided bombs
AGM-65F IR Maverick missiles
AGM-65E Laser Maverick missiles
CBU-99 cluster munitions
Lightening II targeting POD to deliver GBU-12 and GBU-16 bombs with pinpoint accuracy.
This Game Would Taste Like: Country-Fried Ass
[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years.]
Categories: Column: Game Ads A-Go-Go