July 20, 2006 1:50 PM |
['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]
After writing too many funny and highly entertaining columns in succession and attracting many admirers (*ahem*), I thought I would try as hard as I could to make this column not funny at all. Therefore, I will be discussing the following overcomplicated and poorly-designed ads as seriously and humorlessly as possible.
Baseball So Real, It's Really Complicated
Some people would find this supremely overcomplicated, screenshot-filled sports game ad hilarious. But let me tell you something, mister: sports game ads are no laughing matter. Two-hundred innocent children died in the making of this very game. So the next time you snicker at an ad like this, remember that you're doing it at the expense of a dead child who has been robbed of life before his time by the evil slave-drivers at Tecmo.
I know what you're thinking: "Man, I really wish I could eat some tasty Froot Loops right now." But how on Earth can you think of food at a time like this? Can't you see that innocent children all over the world are starving to death because they don't even have one scrap of dirt to eat? Can't you get off your butt for one minute and at least send a couple boxes of Super Blasto-Frosties over to China?
What? I heard that, you heartless bastard.
The Ultimate Scoring Machine
Why are you wasting your time looking at useless old ads right now anyway? You should be out in the real world saving innocent children from constant exploitation.
Can't you get your priorities straight? There you are, stocking your cushy, plush-walled game room with thousands of dollars worth of "video games" every year, when children all around the world can't even earn one dollar from making air-filled tennis shoes to buy a single marble to play with. There's only one thing to do about this: you should sell your entire video game collection and buy some marbles for the kids. In fact, sell everything you have and donate the money to somebody else, because you're too selfish. Oh, I hear your whining -- "But I need food, shelter, clothing, a car, a house...a private jumbo jet!" Well Blah Blah Blah! You don't really need those things.
The starving children of the world do.
Get Your Kicks on the Go!
Oh, and one more thing -- I'm not done with you yet. See the ad above? Well, the heartless, brutal, innocent-child killer featured in this ad should definitely not be admired or glorified in an ad for an obvious murder simulator / soccer game. Depressed that his football career was all washed up, Kimmler Dietrich ran down a line of twenty dirt-eating children last year in Baden Baden. Oh, the brutality. The cruelty. The heartlessness. I also heard that he's a godless, devil-worshipping homo-erotic lesbian bisexual abortionist sinner that doesn't even go to church to repent for his blatent blasphemy. Knowing his history, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Will somebody please help me kill him?
[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. Please direct all hate-mail to yourself.]
Categories: Column: Game Ads A-Go-Go