June 22, 2006 9:30 AM |
['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]
After my last column's flirt with actially being funny, I though I'd set back all the progress I've made and go back to presenting ads in a more traditional fashion (i.e. accompanying them with completely nonsensical commentary). I'll likely be doing this until I can cook up another presentation gimmick. Anyhow, this week it's all about animals: what they eat, what they wear, how they live. And it turns out they live inside video game ads. Let's check 'em out.
Never Give Your Penis to an Alligator
Let's face it: joysticks and alligators don't mix. That's why I keep my alligators and joysticks in separate piles (in quantities of fifteen to twenty) at least five meters apart. If somehow these two base alchemical ingredients combine, out pops a magical wrestle-happy native islander boy with greased hair. And trust me, if you collect more than a few of those, it's a big pain in the ass because you need to keep them in yet another pile (quanitiy ten to fifteen) at least twenty meters away from the first two piles -- lest you find yourself with another reaction that results in plastic half-eaten watermelons named Dave.
Gorillas in the Box
Let's face it: gorillas eat people. That's why scientists at ASCIIWARE have developed a new tiny gorilla that is simply too small to devour humans. Animal behaviorists (likely bitter about their low wages) have specially trained these apes to lean on random objects and make loud mechanical tractor noises with their lips while you're trying to play Donkey Kong. They're a real marvel of modern science. The only question is: how do they fit such tiny gorillas in such a huge box?
They Called them "Chimplights"
Let's face it: before the invention of the Light Boy, we all had to keep these things around. And by "things," you know exactly what I mean -- I'm talkin' chimps. Chimps are horrible cooks and they get highly aggressive and ornery past the age of three. But before 1991, they were absolutely necessary for Game Boy illumination. So imagine my surprise when one day, while strolling on the grounds of my ranch (and coincidentally wandering past a large pile of used chimps), I received a Priority Alpha telegram from Vic himself (that's "Mr. Tokai" to you) telling me that he had developed cutting-edge chimp replacement technology. Having such faith in Vic and all his endeavors (as I always do), I immediately let Bulumbo go. I've been chimp-free ever since, and I feel like a new man. Thanks, Vic. You're a pal.
[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years.]
Categories: Column: Game Ads A-Go-Go