Do?  Don't?  Let Nathan Smart Be Your Guide![This first ever 'Game Rag Slapdown' column begins a regular, exclusive bi-weekly Thursday feature by The Game Rag's Nathan Smart that's always video game related, sometimes funny ha ha, but mostly funny hee hee (and sometimes funny, period). This week's column is a guide from a beginner on the dos and don'ts of E3.]

E3 2006 was my first E3. Somehow, I got myself a pass by charading as a 'Game Journalist.' What does that title even mean - that I journal games? Whatever. I got in and that's all that matters.*

When I first got to E3 I didn't really have any guide as to what to do and what not to do. What kinds of things were 'kosher' and what kinds of things were like 'eating pork.' I ended up making a LOT of mistakes and so I decided that for you, the reader (and I use that term loosely, you illiterates), I would make a list of things that would be good to know for when you get to go to E3. The problem is, I can't remember any of the things I wrote down because I left my notebook in LA. SO! You're going to have to make due with this impromptu list I just made up on the spot. This should cover mostly everything you'll need to know but if you want more, you'll have to ask Juanita at the Alhambra Super 8 for a peak inside my lost, treasured notebook.

DO take your shoes to a cobbler if you've got a hole in them.
DON'T if you don't live in 18th century Britain. Just get new ones.

DO make a controller respond to your movements.
DON'T do it if you've just spent an entire year making fun of it. Hypocrisy has a tiny Wikipedia entry.

DO play Guitar Hero 2.
DON'T play on expert even if you've almost beat Bark at the Moon on the first one. You're not as good as you think.

DO see the Wild Summer game booth for a cool new GTA style 'hanging out' game.
DON'T ask the booth babe if her boobs are real. She doesn't think it's cute, suited guy.

DO see the Classic Gaming Museum in Kentia Hall.
DON'T tell the guy standing there that someone left the Virtual Boy on and ran out the batteries. He doesn't work there.

DO a good drama about smart kids in Boston.
DON'T do a stupid family comedy about a road trip in an RV. Especially if the movie is named after the plot device.

DO play Xbox Live Arcade games on the Xbox 360.
DON'T play Xbox 360 games on the Xbox 360. No point.

DO talk with SimonC from GameSetWatch.
DON'T make a joke about the Queen of England in front of him. Oh God.

And that's all I remember. I hope you can use this guide when you go and I hope it's not too specific to me. I don't think it is.**

*There are other things that matter in life such as food, water, shelter and a steady supply of Vicks Vapor Rub, but in this case, for the purposes of this article, getting a pass to E3 is all that matters.
**I do. Who cares.

P.S. Here's a pre-E3 video made by the Game Rag staff, LIVE! from LA, in which: "The Game Rag staff and one lucky winner record an audio podcast live from E3 just a couple of days before the show." Enjoy.

[Nathan Smart is a fake news writer for The Game Rag and really enjoys the benefits of it (no facts, no research, no real interviews). He also does Bobby McFerrin versions of indie rock songs with his one man group Indie Blockedappella. He thinks things are funny.]