April 27, 2006 2:54 PM |
['Game Ads A-Go-Go' is a bi-weekly column by Vintage Computing and Gaming's RedWolf that showcases good, bad, strange, funny, and interesting classic video game-related advertisements, most of which are taken from his massive classic game magazine collection.]
In a previous Game Ads A-Go-Go, I gave you proof that video game companies want you to die. This week we'll go a little bit more in depth with the same theme, examining one of the more subtle ways that the video game industry intends to do you harm. It's a fact: some video games spread infectious disease. Luckily, some brazen advertisers were kind enough to put warnings in their ads for us to interpret (snarkily). So get out your latex gloves, 'cause it's time to examine some particularly nasty games.
The Disease Guide
Disease: Repetitive Gameplay Syndrome
Spread by: Mega Man X3 (SNES)
Symptoms: Gives the infected individual the impression that he/she is playing the exact same game over and over again, no matter how many different games he/she buys.
Other Symptoms: Feelings of guilt and shame that the afflicted just bought his/her 20th copy of a game originally released in 1987.
Treatment: ONE (1) COPY OF "KATAMARI DAMACY" PLAYED TWICE DAILY FOR THIRTY (30) DAYS.
Prevention Tips: Nothing short of the absolute destruction of Capcom will stop the spread of this disease.
Disease: Road Rash
Spread by: Road Rash 3 (Genesis)
Symptoms: When operating motor vehicles on public causeways, afflicted becomes aggressive and attacks motorcycle riders with loose, hand-wielded chains.
Other Symptoms (see included literature): Acute burning sensation in the nipples, general scrape-like rash on 60% of the body.
Treatment: COMPLETE CESSATION of "ROAD RASH 3" PLAY FOR TWENTY (20) DAYS. THEREAFTER, PERMANENT AVOIDANCE OF MOTORCYCLES, CHAINS.
Prevention Tips: Wear leather chaps when riding.
Spread by: Zoop (Multi-platform)
Symptoms: Every two years, the afflicted produces another single-screen unit-manipulating puzzle game similar to Tetris.
Other Symptoms (see included literature): Loss of friends, loss of appetite, insomnia, excessive battery consumption, dreams about puzzle games, hairstyles that resemble pieces from puzzle games.
Treatment: EMERGENCY GREEDECTOMY RECOMMENDED. OTHERWISE, ONE (1) TESTOSTERONE INJECTION MONTHLY FOR TWO (2) YEARS, THEN DAILY FOUR (4) HOUR SESSIONS OF LIVE-ACTION "MORTAL KOMBAT II" ROLEPLAY THEREAFTER.
Prevention Tips: Regular psychotherapy towards the goal of the realization that you're not a game designer. Avoid bodily fluid exchange with Alexey Pazhitnov.
Spread by: Burn:Cycle (3DO)
Symptoms: Burning sensation when urinating, strange discharge from the penis. Rarely, painful or swollen testicles (Typical patient reaction illustrated in picture above).
Other Symptoms (see included literature): Spontaneous head explosion.
Treatment: 300MG AMOXICILLIN TABLETS TAKEN TWICE (2) DAILY FOR TWENTY-ONE (21) DAYS.
Prevention Tips: Avoid playing video games with your penis.
Disease: Conjunctivitis (Pinkeye)
Spread by: Blockbuster Video Rental Chain
Symptoms: Redness, irritation, watering of the eyes.
Treatment: FOUR (4) DROPS ERYTHROMYCIN IN EACH EYE DAILY FOR SEVEN (7) DAYS.
Prevention: Avoid rubbing infected Blockbuster merchandise directly onto eyeballs.
[RedWolf is the founder and Editor-in-Chief of Vintage Computing and Gaming, a regularly updated "blogazine" that covers collecting, playing, and hacking vintage computing and gaming devices. He has been collecting vintage computers and game systems for over 13 years. He is also a big fan of bacon.]
Categories: Column: Game Ads A-Go-Go